created by: Greg Berlanti
Written By: Michael Green
Directed By: Arlene Sanford

----------------------------------------------------------

[We open with a shot of the old printing press, and Mr. R.F. Davenport folding papers.]

NARRATOR: “The Everwood Pinecone.” Independent Daily Press since May 21st, 1985, the day Mr. R.F. Davenport bought what was even then an antique printing press, hell-bent him on single handedly spreading whatever small town news there was, each and every day. Everyone thought he was crazy, but 5,999 issues later, he hasn’t missed a single delivery.

NARRATOR: [A paper gets thrown onto the ground.] “The Everwood Pinecone.”

NARRATOR: [The Brown’s car pulls up to the side of the road. Ephram and Andy get out, and Andy picks up Delia from the car, who is sleeping. Ephram picks up “The Everwood Pinecone”.] Everwood’s own bastion of integrity, and chowder recipes.

ANDY: Com’on kiddo, time for bed.

EPHRAM: [Picks up the paper.] You know, I think I know what it means to miss New York, and then I read “The Pinecone.” You know they might be Giants are playing at Central Park in 2 hours. [They walk towards the house.]

ANDY: Yeah, I don’t think you’re gonna make it.

EPHRAM: Well that’s all right, I can stay here and enjoy free skate sharpening at Walter’s Ice and Laundry Rink.

[They walk up to their front porch and find the door is open.]

EPHRAM: Think somebody’s inside?

ANDY: Take her….[gives Delia to Ephram to hold.] I’ll check it out.

[Andy opens the door cautiously and turns the light on.]

ANDY: Hello? Anybody here? [We hear movement, then he takes an umbrella and holds it like a baseball bat.]

[We see chairs knocked over, then we hear more movement and he gets ready to swing the umbrella. Then we see a deer chewing on some plants. Ephram with Delia walks in.]

ANDY: Stay back….it might have a gun.

{Opening credits/commercial break}

[Delia and Andy are in the kitchen.]

DELIA: You forgot to buy milk.

[Andy pulls out a carton of ice cream.]

ANDY: From folly comes inspiration.

[Nina walks in with a plate of cookies.]

NINA: Good morning.

ANDY: Hey Nina.

NINA: Cookies, made a big batch last night, little too big for Sam, so you luck out.

ANDY: You can’t have cookies for breakfast.

DELIA: You’re having ice cream.

ANDY: You make a strong point.

NINA: Did uh, did you notice a small deer on your front porch?

ANDY: It took 2 hours and 4 broken lamps just to get it out of the house, I consider the porch a victory.

[Andy walks outside to the porch and waves at the deer.]

ANDY: What is this? A sit in? Go on, scat. Shoo. Get outta here.

[Cut to Ephram, Nina, and Delia in the kitchen.]

EPHRAM: You see him?

NINA: You mean her? No antlers.

EPHRAM: Deer have antlers?

NINA: M hm. Poor thing. Most of the pussy toes and skunk bush die off in the early winter so they have to come down to the lower altitudes for food. They don’t usually make it this far into town, but it happens.

EPHRAM: Well perhaps we should reward her ambition, call animal control.

NINA: Oh I wouldn’t bother, they usually wander back on their own.

ANDY: Well too it’s welcome to our garbage, which you are welcome to take out.

[Ephram takes the garbage bag and walks outside.]

[Delia, Nina, and Andy are still in kitchen. Nina attempts to pour some juice.]

DELIA: You forgot to buy juice too.

ANDY: Eat your cookie.

[Ephram outside looking at deer.]

EPHRAM: Hey there. A little lost? Tell me about it. [He takes out a piece of bread from the garbage and feeds it to the deer. Then he pets her.]

[Delia in her school classroom sitting across from Magilla. They are doing some kind of art activity.]

[Magilla sneezes.]

DELIA: God bless you.

MAGILLA: Why’d you say that?

DELIA: You sneezed.

MAGILLA: So? I don’t believe in God.

DELIA: What do you mean you don’t believe in God? Everyone believes in Him.

MAGILLA: It’s like Santa. They just tell kids about God to get them to go to bed on time or to stop picking their scabs.

DELIA: Then who made everything?

MAGILLA: I don’t know, but not God, he isn’t real.

DELIA: Well I believe in him.

MAGILLA: Oh yeah? Where is he?

DELIA: Everywhere. Heaven.

MAGILLA: Prove it. If there’s a God, why doesn’t he knock this cup over?

BOY: My dad said you can’t prove there’s God, you just gotta have faith.

MAGILLA: Oh yeah? Your dad’s poor, there’s no God and that’s it.

BOY (yelling): Yes there is!

MAGILLA (yelling back): No there isn’t!

[Their teacher comes and intervenes.]

TEACHER: Ah ah ah, stop it you two. Arnie, go sit with the girls. There’s a fresh pot of that orange paint you like to eat. Delia, are you starting fights again?

DELIA: I just had a question. About God.

TEACHER: What’s the question Delia?

DELIA: How do you prove there’s a God?

TEACHER: Well, seeing as how we’re approaching The Hanukah, let’s say your people believe in God because of the oil.

DELIA: The what?

TEACHER: Way back in something something before Christ, who your people don’t believe in anyway, the Hebrews were chased out of their land, again, but when they got back, there was only enough oil to light their lamp for 1 day. They said the heck with it and used it all up. But it turns out that the oil that was only enough for 1 day, lasted 8 whole days. Now, if you don’t mind, those pines aren’t going to glitter themselves.

[Cut to scene Ephram walking in the hallway, and Amy catching up to him.]

AMY: I need to come talk to you.

EPHRAM: I don’t think I’m qualified to advise anyone right now.

AMY: Oh, but this is your specialty. I need some fresh reading material, thought I’d give one of your comics a whirl.

EPHRAM: I thought girls like beauty magazines and books about ponies.

AMY: It’s for Colin. I finished reading him Call of the Wild, need something, easy on the eyes. Com’on lend me one please?

EPHRAM: [Pulls out a stack of comics from his book bag.] Well, we have an assortment of Manga imports, although Japanese non-linear story telling might be a bit much for him. Or the latest “Green Lantern.” You know, good triumphs over evil stuff.

AMY: Perfect. [Takes comic.] Thank you. So I saw you in Mrs. Litman’s office, what was that about?

EPHRAM: Oh that? Well apparently my serve is off.

AMY: She noticed you broke the record right? Longest period of new kid denial in the annals of County High?

EPHRAM: I knew this town had an underbelly, I had no idea about the annals.

AMY: New kids get here, they usually spend the first few weeks trending water. No new friends, coasting through classes, locker strangely undecorated. “Oh I’m not really from here, just a temporary stop until my parent’s divorce settles” or whatever and they can go back to their “real home.” Usually lasts about a month but, eventually they settle in.

EPHRAM: Not without a fight.

AMY: See ya later Ham. Thanks for the loan.

[Dr. Abbott walks into his office and Nurse Louise has the mail for him and looks like she’s going to say something to him.]

DR. ABBOTT: Though your pantomime grows more eloquent by the day Louise, let’s say this morning you simply speak.

LOUISE: You’re running a little late Doctor. Mr. Yeager, he’s already waiting in Room 2.

DR. ABBOT: Did you see this? It’s from the Medical Board. [Reads letter] Pleased to inform you…..I have won the Colorado state medical council tri-county service award for excellence and dedication! Do you know what this means?

LOUISE: Uh

DR. ABBOTT: Yeah….I gotta tell Rose. [Grabs his coat and walks out.]

LOUISE: Oh, but what about Mr. Yeager?

DR. ABBOTT: Ah it’s a boil Louise, lance it, wrap it, tell him to use up the Erythromycin if it swells.

[Cut to Ephram talking with the animal control officer who is supposed to pick up the deer.]

ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: We don’t see too many of these all the way out from Mt. McConnell. This is exciting.

EPHRAM: Yeah, lemme catch my breath. How do you know where she’s from?

ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: See that mark right there? It means she’s a black tail, only a handful of those this side of Colorado. All from a wildlife preserve just past the summit. She wandered a ways.

EPHRAM: Long drive back?

ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: Few hours. And a lung-buster of a hike. 2 days maybe.

EPHRAM: Ah, I hope you packed lunch.

ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: Hahah I’m not taking her to McConnell. She’s getting a lift as far as White River.

EPHRAM: Is that…..nice?

ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: Oh sure. Not much escape cover, but it’s real pretty.

EPHRAM: And that’s a bad thing?

ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: Yeah cuz when it’s hunting season, I go up this time every year with my brother, we’re bagging up meat in a ½ hour to last all winter. Like ducks in a barrel.

EPHRAM: Yeah. Hold on a second there Elmer.

[Andy comes home from work and sees that the deer is still on the front lawn.]

ANDY: Maybe you’d like to move on to the winter tulips.

[Andy walks into the house. Ephram is cutting apples.]

ANDY: Ephram what is that outside?

EPHRAM: A doe. A deer. A female deer.

ANDY: You know, all you needed to do was be here when they came, if that’s too much for your schedule………

EPHRAM: I was here.

ANDY: And they came?

EPHRAM: Oh yeah.

ANDY: Then why is that thing still out there chewing on our lawn?

EPHRAM: Because Elmer was gonna dump it on a rifle range. Practically painted a bull’s eye on its ass.

ANDY: Well what are we gonna do with it? It can’t stay here.

EPHRAM: I’m gonna take her home.

ANDY: Say again?

EPHRAM: I’m gonna take her home.

ANDY: You do realize that deer live in the woods, up in the mountains, outside.

EPHRAM: She’s from a protected reserve a few hours from here. I already got it mapped out, I’m gonna get a ride in the morning, and hike over night.

[Andy laughs.]

EPHRAM (yelling): Why are you laughing at me?!

ANDY: Well for one, you don’t know the first thing about hiking. And two, you don’t know the first thing about hiking. Forget about it, you’re not going.

EPHRAM: Am so.

[Ephram walks out of the room, Andy tries to follow him.]

ANDY: Ephram…..

[Andy then disposes of the plate of cookies.]

DELIA: No!!

ANDY: What’s the matter?

DELIA: You threw away the cookies! Those were for God!

ANDY: For God?

DELIA: I thought if I left cookies and God ate them, it would prove he’s real.

ANDY: I thought cookies were Santa.

DELIA: God could like cookies.

ANDY: What’s the matter sweetheart are you ok?

DELIA: Magilla sneezed and he said God wasn’t real.

ANDY: And you want to prove Magilla wrong.

DELIA: Uh huh.

ANDY: I can get behind that. How ‘bout fix up a fresh plate for the big guy? [Delia smiles.]

[We cut to Ephram outside feeding the deer some grass and Andy walks out of the house.]

ANDY: Look, you expect to shepard a deer back to the mountains Ephram, don’t be ridiculous.

EPHRAM: She has a home out there, she just needs help getting back to it. How is that any more ridiculous than what you did?

ANDY: What did I do?

EPHRAM: You moved us to Everwood because of some psychotic sense of destiny. Don’t I get my turn? I don’ t know, maybe I’m just suppose to do this. I don’t know why. Maybe I just am.

ANDY: Ok, all right. But I’m going with you.

EPHRAM: No way.

ANDY: You said you wanted to go.

EPHRAM: Not with you.

ANDY: I’m not about to let my 15 year old who doesn’t know a pine tree from a baked potato go exploring in tundra alone. If you wanna go, you better pack enough trail mix for 2.

{Commercial break}

[Open shot of the mountains.]

NARRATOR: There isn’t much good a deer can say about hunting season, except that it only comes once a year, and maybe it makes them appreciate the few wildlife preserves they have. Like the one your Bambi came from.

[Irv and Andy walk around the bus.]

IRV: The safest, prettiest fawning site on Earth. Wild berries in the winter, all the thermal cover you could hope for. But, it’s not close. You got a long day ahead of you.

[Ephram leads the deer out of the bus.]

EPHRAM: 4 miles west, another 8 through Mountain Lion Pass, which I really wish was called Mountain Bunny Pass, till we see a sign for Pinon-Juniper Woodland. You can’t miss it, and even if you do, you’ll smell it.

IRV: I can’t say I’ve had either of you pegged as the camping type.

EPHRAM: Please! I’m rugged.

ANDY: You think this beard is just for show? Don’t worry Irv, I got a pack full of food, Gortex everything, and a new pair of boots.

IRV: Did you say new boots?

ANDY: M hm.

[Cut to scene at the Abbott’s house. Amy is reading a book on the couch as Hal comes in.]

HAL: Amy. Amy?

AMY: I didn’t forget! I’ll rake the lawn in….19 pages.

HAL: Nevermind. Your chores are temporarily suspended. I need you to write a press bio on me for The Pinecone, Davenport needs it early afternoon.

AMY: I can’t. I have a chem. lab due and I have to write a villanelle for poetry which I’m going to do, right after I find out what a villanelle is. And I have to finish early so I can have tomorrow free to see Colin in Denver. I’m sorry.

HAL: You know, your father has just received a rather prestigious award. It wouldn’t hurt your college tuition account for the patient population to be reminded of his achievements.

AMY: What award? [He hands it to her.] Excellence and dedication that’s great! How were you picked?

HAL: Oh it’s a complicated process. Simply put, they calculate which doctors have spent the greatest number of days attending to patients, without interruption.

AMY: What? Like an attendance award?

HAL: I’ll need to proof it first. Knowing your facility with run-ons….

AMY: Forget it, too busy, ask Bright.

[Attempts to hand the paper back to him.]

HAL: Oh…then I guess you really don’t want that double pierce.

AMY: You’re kidding….

HAL: On my desk, by noon. [While walking out of room.] No cartilage.

[Cut to scene of the mountains. Irv and Andy are talking while Ephram tends to the deer.]

ANDY: I appreciate you and Edna baby-sitting Irv. It’s good for Delia to see people living in a house together without yelling.

IRV: Happy to have her. Is he really going to do this?

ANDY: Little rule for a happy life, you can’t stop a Brown from doing anything, you can only insist on coming along for the ride.

IRV: Well, then we’ll see you tomorrow, right here.

ANDY: Yeah. I’ll meet you here by this um, what do you call this little landmarky thingy?

IRV: A landmark.

ANDY: Right.

IRV: Hey Doc.

[Throws him a flare gun.]

ANDY: A flare gun?

IRV: Just in case.

[Andy and Ephram walk into the woods.]

[Cut to scene of Edna in Dr. Brown’s office on the phone with a patient.]

EDNA: I understand, but the doctor is out. Way out! You can keep crying like that till the Botox wears off, but it’s not going to bring him back to the woods any sooner! Monday, that’s right. [Hangs up the phone.]

DELIA: I like it when you yell at them.

EDNA: You do? You holding up ok private?

DELIA: Almost finished my spelling list. Edna? Has anyone every talked to God?

EDNA: How’s that?

DELIA: God…do people ever talk to him?

EDNA: All the time I suspect. More so in the south.

DELIA: How do you know when he answers?

EDNA: I guess when you…..get what you want!

DELIA: But doesn’t he ever do anything?

EDNA: How about I just tell you where babies come from?

DELIA: You don’t believe in God either?

EDNA: When I was in Camron Bay, my second tour, the nasty one. A shell, tore through the top of our tent. Landed right between 6 bunks. We all should gone out messy right then. But, someone, somewhere, saw to make that shell a dud. Sat there politely unexploded. Ever since, I figure, I owe Him a lot of favors. Me and God, we share a very comfortable “don’t ask, don’t tell” relationship.

DELIA: So you do believe in Him?

EDNA: Delia….if I take you for ice cream would you promise to stop asking questions? Offer expires in 4 seconds.. 1, 2, 3…… [Delia gets out of her seat and runs.]

[Cut to scenes in the woods with Ephram, Andy, and the deer hiking.]

ANDY: You know you really ought to drink something.

EPHRAM: I’m fine.

ANDY: You gotta stay hydrated, I know it’s hard to tell, but at this altitude, you can lose water at a rate of at least………..

EPHRAM: Ok…please! Just no stats. [Takes the water and drinks some.]

ANDY: And zip up your coat.

EPHRAM: I’m not cold.

ANDY: You will be in an hour.

EPHRAM: You know, just for the record, you don’t know anything about hiking either.

ANDY: Well, I know that you can’t drink stream water.

EPHRAM: Everybody knows that.

ANDY: You know why? Giardia lamblia, a protozoan water born cyst with a nasty knack for twisting up the million duodena. I also know that young Bambi here has 4 stomachs. Rumen, reticulum, omasum, and abomasum. You know, I always wanted there to be a 5th called “aboabomasum,” but there wasn’t. Also, deer can run over 35mph….

EPHRAM: Ok ok you’re a neurosurgeon, how do you know all this?

ANDY: I read it in college.

EPHRAM: And what? You remember everything you’ve ever read?

ANDY: Don’t you?

EPHRAM (says to deer): Com’on, good girl…

EPHRAM: I’m pretty sure the trail follows the creek, but check the map.

ANDY: No, left.

EPHRAM: Sure?

ANDY: I used to navigate people’s frontal lobes Ephram, I think I can follow directions.

[They walk on.]

[Cut to scene of Hal scrutinizing his digitally enhanced picture Amy made for submitting to The Pinecone.]

HAL: I asked for more shading under the neck.

AMY: You wanted me to turn your jowls into chin, don’t abuse the digital age!

HAL: Davenport confirmed receipt?

AMY: Hours ago!

[He kisses her.]

HAL: You just earned yourself an 8% increase in allowance! Even though you did manage to make my surgery rotation sound like a dalliance. I only wish I could be there to see the look on that nut’s face when he reads this tonight.

AMY: Who? Doctor Brown? You so have a boy crush on him!

HAL: My issue with Dr. Brown is neither flirtation nor rivalry, it is a crusade, to protect both him and this town from the potentially lethal results of his dementia. And I loathe him.

AMY: Only problem is, he won’t see it. He’s gone all weekend with Ephram, won’t be back until tomorrow.

HAL: He’s…..out of town?

AMY: Yeah, some weird deer quest.

HAL: Ah. Well then, that’s all right. Good work, you get back to your villanelle. [He tries to remain calm, then dashes away.]

[Cut to the woods, Ephram, Andy, and the deer are hiking.]

ANDY: You ok back there?

EPHRAM: Fine. You know, we’ve been going downhill for a while now…shouldn’t we be going more…..up?

ANDY: Well it’s a gradual ascent. [Looks at compass type thing.] We’re right on track.

EPHRAM: She keeps looking at me funny, like she’s thinking she doesn’t know where she is.

ANDY: She’s a wild animal, she’s thinking “Hi, are you made of food?”. Com’on keep up, we’re making good time. So, how’s it going with you and Amy Abbott? I mean, are you guys still friends? You know, you can cover a lot of ground work from the friends zone.

EPHRAM: Lucky me, you remember a book you read on relationships in high school.

ANDY: Ok, something more my business then, how’s your school work going?

EPHRAM: I guess I should be glad I made it 6 hours before you tried to turn this into some kind of bond fest.

ANDY: Look, I’m just trying to talk to you Ephram.

EPHRAM: Well don’t, please. As a favor to me.

ANDY: I breathe and it offends you, what? What did I do now?

EPHRAM: Nothing, no, no you’ve been great, and don’t forget, zip your coat.

ANDY: What? Are you mad at me because I’m looking out for you?

EPHRAM: First you try to parent me, then you want to be my buddy. And you’re not very good at either.

ANDY: Well I’m just trying here Ephram.

EPHRAM: Well don’t! It’s bad enough you invited yourself along for the ride, don’t embarrass us both by trying to leverage it.

ANDY: You know sometimes I think you’d like to go back to the way it was with us back in New York when we never spoke.

EPHRAM: Well you’d have to admit, it worked pretty well. I had my own life, I could make my own decisions, do things I wanted to from time to time…

ANDY: Do what you want?! I planned this trip for you!

EPHRAM: Who asked you to?!

[They keep walking and find out they’re back at where they started on the trail.]

ANDY: This looks vaguely familiar.

EPHRAM: We’re right back where he left us. That’s great, just great.

ANDY: Well, at least we’re not lost.

[Ephram takes off his backpack and starts unzipping stuff.]

ANDY: Look, I’m sorry Ephram. Why are you unpacking?

EPHRAM: I’m setting up camp. Sun’s about to go down, might as well get a fresh start in the morning.

ANDY: Well you know, we could still make good time if….

[Hal comes bursting into the printing press room.]

HAL: Davenport! Stop the press. This article on my award, it can’t run today.

DAVENPORT: Why not Dr. Abbott?

HAL: There’s been a death in the family.

DAVENPORT: Really who’s?

HAL: My mother.

DAVENPORT: [Laughs] You wish.

HAL: This piece needs to run in tomorrow’s edition.

DAVENPORT: No can do, machine’s running. You have to respect the machine.

HAL: [Mumbling] Yeah, well, ….

DAVENPORT: Doc, you of all people should understand. It was your idea to take me, obsessive compulsive disorder, and turn it into something useful. Now thanks to you, and The Pinecone, I’m a productive member of Everwood’s society for 15 years. Practically saved my life.

HAL: Well surely with your progress you can stand to be an hour late this once.

DAVENPORT: You see that gear? That’s me. And I’m a gear that has to spin. And neither the Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors, nor the man that prescribes them can stop that. Everyone has something they have to do. I have to put out a paper, you need your article tomorrow.

HAL: You say you have to put out the paper?

DAVENPORT: Yes Sir.

HAL: Do you have to deliver them?

DAVENPORT: No….but I do have to cover my cost.

[Cut to scene in restaurant, Irv walks into restaurant, Edna is reading the newspaper and a table and Delia is sitting at the counter, staring at a glass of water.]

IRV: Some real interactive baby sitting you’re got going there.

EDNA: She’s fine.

IRV: Then where is she?

[Edna looks around, then sees her staring at the glass.]

EDNA: What’s she doing?

IRV: I’m not sure. But it looks like she’s been doing it for a while.

EDNA: Don’t give me that! A baby sitter’s job is to make sure the kid doesn’t die, that’s all.

IRV: She’s a kid, not a grenade.

[She folds up her paper and walks up to Delia.]

EDNA: Hey Private! What do you say to a movie tomorrow?

DELIA: My mom said she used to go to the Synagogue to talk to God. Can we go to one?

EDNA: The nearest Synagogue is 2 hours away. Maybe we could talk to God somewhere local, like the video store. We could rent “The Chosen”. [Delia’s intently staring at the glass.] Are you thirsty or something?

DELIA: It’s God. I tried to get him to eat Nina’s cookies, but that didn’t work. Now I’m going to see if He knocks the glass over.

EDNA: Anything so far?

DELIA: I even put it close to the edge so all He had to do was knock it a little bit.

EDNA: Well, let’s recon on God today.

DELIA: I just wanted to know about God because, if there’s no God, there’s no Heaven…

EDNA: And if there’s no Heaven?

DELIA: Then where’s my mom?

EDNA: It’s getting late Private, time to head home.

DELIA: 5 more minutes?

EDNA: Sure.

{Commercial break}

[Open with scene of Ephram and Andy in the woods. Ephram is trying to light a match.]

ANDY: You know if you shield it from the wind…….

EPHRAM: Don’t. You are forbidden from dispensing advice on anything. Ever. You’re fired.

[He finally lights one, and sticks it in between a stack of logs. Then they watch it go out.]

ANDY: If you just put a piece of…..

EPHRAM: Fired!

ANDY: Fine. You try.

EPHRAM: [He lights another one.] Com’on…. [The match goes out.] Ah!! [He gets an idea and grabs the flare gun. He then shoots a flare at the logs, and then they have a fire.]

ANDY: That’s one way of doing it.

[Ephram sits back down and warms up.]

ANDY: She ok? (Referring to the deer.)

EPHRAM: She will be when she’s safe.

ANDY: You know, you can only do so much for her Ephram. She may wander again.

EPHRAM: I know.

ANDY: You were right you know. About me trying to control everything. I do that.

EPHRAM: No…really?

ANDY: Your mom used to be the only one who could call me on it. Used to help me keep people alive. Taking charge, knowing the right thing to say all the time. It’s an instinct that I cultivated for surgery, and it made me capable of doing things so fantastic, I can’t even take credit for. That same compulsion that people nurtured to me then is what’s making me, making me screw everything up now. For you, for Delia. These past few months I feel like the only thing I’ve done right is help a few strangers get better, and stop talking out loud to my dead wife.

EPHRAM: Well, that’s something. [They slightly smile.]

[Cut to Delia and Edna, Edna is working on her motorcycle.]

DELIA: What’s that?

EDNA: Sidecar.

DELIA: What for?

EDNA: We’re going to go see about a Rabbi.

[Cut to Edna driving her motorcycle with Delia in the sidecar. They arrive at an army training base.]

DELIA: Are we in the army?

EDNA: Closest Rabbi outside of a chatroom. Commander Russo.

ARMY OFFICER: M’am

DELIA: I am the retired Lieutenant Colonel you had on the horn this morning, requesting consultation with Company Chaplain Hebraic.

ARMY OFFICER: Right away m’am. Chaplainman Roth front and center! Sir, Jewish sky pilot still in training.

EDNA: Army training or Rabbi training?

CHAPLAIN: Army training Sir! Otherwise fully certified in the Jewish Theological Seminary Manhattan New York.

EDNA: At ease. Now you listen Good Lieutenant. This young lady here has a question for you concerning your faith. What’s required is a regulation Jewish answer for how you know God exists. Are you prepared to answer such a question?

CHAPLAIN: Sir, yes sir.

EDNA: Do you intend to disappoint her?

CHAPLAIN: Sir, no sir.

EDNA: Proceed.

CHAPMAN: Yes sir. There are 3 essential proofs for the existence of an omniscient benevolent deity sir. The primary is the maimonidean cosmological proof, in which the Aristotelian causal argument is applied. This is seconded in the madrashic law in a story of the patriarch Abraham gazing at the stars. He equates the night sky to a sumptuous castle found in a field taking in its intricacies, one must assume the castle had a builder.

[Delia looks confused throughout the whole explanation.]

[Cut to scene of Amy and Hal throwing away bundles of The Pinecone.]

AMY: I cannot believe you bought a million papers. No one reads anyways, just to make sure no one would read them. You know you’re insane right?

HAL: Amy, don’t diagnose your father.

AMY: Ok. I’ll visit Colin tomorrow.

HAL: What are you reading him these days?

AMY: Jack London’s Justice League.

HAL: Want me to give you a lift up there?

AMY: You don’t, think it’s crazy…spend all your free time reading to someone you’re not even sure can hear you.

HAL: If you told me you go because you feel obligated, I’d say yes, that’s very unhealthy. If you go because you miss him, that’s all that matters. That said, it would be nice to see you go out once in a while.

AMY: I thought that was Mom’s thing.

HAL: Your mother harps on your to go out more often because she doesn’t want to see you miserable. I’m saying it because, I don’t ever want to see you feel guilty for having a life. If Colin was never so happy, it was when you were laughing. As far as being crazy, I won’t call anyway crazy if you don’t! [Shoots a paper into the container like it’s a basketball. They laugh.]

[Edna and Delia are stopped on the side of the road. Edna is trying to fix her motorcycle and Delia is looking at the mountains.]

EDNA: Ah. She’s been making a devil’s spark full of noise the last dozen miles, but I think I got her fixed. Lost almost all our gas though. Darn rock, nearly put a hole in the fuel line. [She sees Delia looking at mountains.] Ohhh, lovely stuff isn’t it?

DELIA: It’s not the way I remembered the synagogue.

EDNA: I guess not. You didn’t like any of it?

DELIA: I liked it when you yelled at him.

EDNA: [Laughs] Sorry. Wish I could tell you more, but God doesn’t like to give easy answers.

DELIA: I’m ok.

EDNA: I worry about my Harold too. He died 2 years ago. For a long time I used to wonder if he was ok. If he’s anywhere even. If he can see me. Used to make myself nuts over it. You know what? You know what I didn’t see until you came along? Making myself nuts was my way of knowing he’s still around. Because you looking all over for God, that’s your mom. That’s how you know she’s ok. She’s in you, looking. Ok Private, let’s press on.

[Cut to scene of Andy, Ephram, and the deer running up a hill in the woods.]

ANDY: [Out of breath] Why aren’t we there yet?

EPHRAM: Because we’re out of shape. How far back was Mountain Lion Pass?

ANDY: 4 blisters ago.

EPHRAM: The new boots?

ANDY: Yeah, I got it now. Wait a minute. You smell that?

EPHRAM: I don’t smell anything.

ANDY: The sign! We made it! You got us here!

EPHRAM: The reserve! It’s up here com’on!

[They run to the reserve to find all that’s left are blackened trees from a fire.]

EPHRAM: She was supposed to be safe here. She can’t survive in this. DAMN IT! [Throws his bag down.]

ANDY: It’s ok Ephram.

EPHRAM: [Choked up.] No, it’s not. Where’s she going to go now huh? What’s she going to do now?

ANDY: We’ll hike a mile up, we’ll find another patch of the reserve.

EPHRAM: No! That isn’t her home! All I wanted to do was bring her home.

ANDY: You did Ephram. It’s just gone.

EPHRAM: This is where she belongs.

ANDY: Well, she’ll do what we did, she’ll find a new home.

EPHRAM: Our home is in New York. Our home was with Mom.

ANDY: It was. But she’s gone now, we can’t go back. We left New York because there was nothing left for us there. But what you’re hanging on to, is this. [Referring to the blackened forest.]

EPHRAM: [Crying.] I just want to go back.

[Andy holds him and he cries.]

ANDY: I know…me too.

{Commercial break}

[Open with Ephram talking to the deer in a new grassy area.]

EPHRAM: Ok Bambi, now I know this isn’t your old home, but, looks do-able to me. Then again I used to go to school above 96th street. Anyway, there’s no hunting out here. I’d love to tell you that everything’s going to be ok. That’s what everyone told me, but it’s just not. You can stay here, or you can go back, either way, it’s going to suck. But I figure, at least when it sucks, you know you’re alive. I guess what I’m trying to say is, it’s ok when everything sucks. It means your somewhere. Now, I gotta go. [Takes the rope off and watches her scamper away.]

ANDY: Everything ok?

EPHRAM: Good as it’s going to be.

[Irv drops them off at the house and they wave goodbye and walk in.]

[Cut to scene of them on couch with their feet on the table.]

EPHRAM: Dad?

ANDY: Uh huh?

EPHRAM: Just how out of the brain business are you?

ANDY: Oh I don’t know, haven’t given it much thought.

EPHRAM: You asked me how Amy was doing. She’s still pretty wrapped up in her boyfriend, the one in the coma. She asked me to ask you to take a look at him.

ANDY: When did she ask you that?

EPHRAM: A while ago.

ANDY: You’re probably going to have to tell her that.

EPHRAM: Probably.

ANDY: Runs in the family I guess.

EPHRAM: What?

ANDY: Trying to control everything. Sorry.

[Cut to scene of Edna dropping Delia off at home.]

EDNA: Here you are! Thank you for flying. I didn’t want to worry you, but we were plum out of gas back there.

DELIA: We were?

EDNA: There weren’t any stations after I patched the fuel line, we’ve been driving on fumes ever since! 80miles! New record.

DELIA: You mean the gas that was only supposed to last for a little bit lasted for 80 miles?

EDNA: Guess so.

DELIA: Like the oil! It’s the miracle of Hanukah!

EDNA: What?

DELIA: God was showing us! He’s real!

EDNA: Whoa. Maybe you outta keep this one under wraps.

DELIA: No way! I have to call Magilla now, he was so wrong about God!

DELIA: Hi Dad!! [She runs towards the house as Andy walks up.]

ANDY: She looks miserable. Thanks for keeping an eye on her.

EDNA: She’s an odd one.

ANDY: Hope she wasn’t too much trouble.

EDNA: Not at all! But if you ask me to baby sit again, you’ll meet God.

[Edna gets back on her motorcycle and tries to start it, but it doesn’t start.]

[Cut to Hal on the phone in his house.]

HAL: Thank you Mrs. Dillinger, glad you noticed. What? Oh no, no, no plans to expand the practice just yet. Well goodnight.

AMY: [Bringing more papers with people who called on them.] Phone’s been ringing non-stop since the paper came out. There were a bunch more messages on the machine.

HAL: [Looking through stack of papers she gave him.] Amy? Are these all of them?

AMY: Sorry Dad, he didn’t call.

HAL: I don’t know what you mean. [Clears throat.] Is that my Burberry scarf?

AMY: Oh! Can I borrow it tonight? I’m going out with Kayla and Paige, some guy Kayla’s desperate to get on is throwing his annual kegger on the golf course. At first I didn’t want to go, and then I remembered how this is Colin’s favorite party of the year. I can’t miss that right?

HAL: Sure you wouldn’t rather stay home, join a convent?

AMY: I gotta go get in the shower. [Walks towards stairs.] Oh! Can you do me a favor? Can you grab my necklace? I left it in the hall outside the kitchen. [Walks, turns around and does this funny smile, then does upstairs.]

[Hal walks into the hall and finds the article framed. Her necklace is on the frame. The front of the note says “To my crazy father…” and a the inside says “the best doctor in 3 counties! Love Amy.”]

[Cut to the Brown’s house. Andy and Delia are going to watch a movie.]

ANDY: Are these for regular people or just Major Deities? [Referring to the oreos on the table.]

DELIA: They’re for you. [Delia puts a DVD in the DVD player.]

ANDY: Thank you.

[Delia climbs onto the couch.]

ANDY: Tell me you didn’t give Edna a hard time.

DELIA: I tried not to.

ANDY: Did you to find God nicely?

DELIA: Uh huh.

ANDY: Really? Where was he?

DELIA: The gas tank.

ANDY: I knew it.

DELIA: Magilla says it’s just a coincidence.

ANDY: That reminds of something your mom used to say. She said coincidence was God’s way of preserving physics.

DELIA: What’s that mean?

ANDY: Got me. She was awful pretty.

[Ephram walks by.]

ANDY: Hey, we’re doing snacks and uhhh…

DELIA: “Black Beauty”.

ANDY: Want to watch?

EPHRAM: No thanks, I got something I gotta take care of. [He walks out the door, and Andy and Delia watch the movie.]

[Cut to Ephram at the Abbott’s door. He knocks on it and Mr. Abbott opens the door.]

MR. ABBOTT: You? Why do you look as though you’re about to vomit?

EPHRAM: Cuz I might.

MR. ABBOTT: Amy? Remain….outside. [We hear from inside….”coming.”]

MR. ABBOTT: Your father didn’t happen to mention anything about me did he? Perhaps something he saw in the paper?

EPHRAM: Not that I know of. My dad doesn’t really do The Pinecone though.

MR. ABBOTT: Oh.

[Amy comes into the doorway.]

AMY: Well well, the warrior is back from his vision quest. Did you find your spirit animal? Let me guess, you’re a….. Marmot.

EPHRAM: I have to talk to you for a minute. You’re going to be really pissed, but please hear me out before you hate me.

AMY: Go on…

EPHRAM: [Talking really fast and nervously.] We made spaghetti-os in the woods, sandwiches too, but I took the spaghetti-o can, and put it right in the fire, which, I got started by the way, I stacked up the kindling like a triangle….

AMY: Ephram…..

EPHRAM: Yeah?

AMY: Start again.

EPHRAM: Right. Hi.

AMY: Hi.

EPHRAM: Thing is, I lied to you, I fixed it, but I lied. You asked me to ask my dad to help Colin, I said I did, but I didn’t. See, my problem is, and this is really just one of a whole bus load, I lost my home recently, I can’t get it back. It took climbing a mountain for me to realize this. But you were right. I came to Everwood, and I’m just coasting. I haven’t made anything for myself here. Except you. You’re the one who makes this home to me. I was afraid if my dad helped Colin I’d lose all that. But I get it. It takes me a while, but I catch up. Colin is your home. So, I asked my dad to help him, he’s going to look at him tomorrow. Not that that, in any way makes up for anything I’ve done. But, it’s happening. I am sorry.

AMY: [She looks at him surprised and shocked.] Ok. [She then closes the door.]

EPHRAM: [Said to a closed door.] Ok.

[Ben Folds’ Golden Slumbers comes on.]

[Ephram sees The Pinecone on the ground and picks it up. He starts to read and walk home.]

NARRATOR: Like the man with the printing press said, at some point, we all have something we just have to do. The gear spins. Sometimes the spins get you what you want, sometimes it pushes it even further away. Either way, you have to respect the machine.

[Fade out on Ephram reading and walking home.]

[THE END]